she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
