I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
No subtext here. People are naked.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
