I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
