Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
