I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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