Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
