So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
