are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
