it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
