I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
