I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
