Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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