Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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