all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
