Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
