It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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