I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
