Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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