so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She told me I should be a condom model.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
