I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
