I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
