mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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