my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
