when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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