Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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