why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
