Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
