but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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