It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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