Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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