he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
