I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
