I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
