This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
