Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
