If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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