I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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