This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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