if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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