I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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