We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
