So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
