best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
