I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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