Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
