Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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