So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
