when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
