If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
