I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
