my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
