She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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